


Thaddea's guide to self deprecation

by notsofreshavocado



Category: Nevermoor Series - Jessica Townsend
Genre: Angst, Attempt at humour, Cadence is a BAMF, Character Study, F/F, Idiots in Love, Morrigan shows up a lot for some reason, Oh yeah and some hollowpox spoilers, Thaddea is like the 95 percent dark chocolate thing, anah is tired, as always, at first its bitter but then its just sad, i have officially exhausted my capability to english, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27723652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsofreshavocado/pseuds/notsofreshavocado
Summary: Thaddea loved taking risks. She was strong. She was brave. She could leave her enemies squandering at her feet. She was Thaddea "no retreat" of clan MacLeod, a strong young lass in the making. She knows no weakness. She shows no weakness.Until she wasn't.
Relationships: Thaddea MacLeod/Anah Kahlo
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	Thaddea's guide to self deprecation

If there's one thing Thaddea loves, its challenges. 

It was what made her want to get into wunsoc. She was no longer a wee bairn that needed to be told that mum was out to count sheep whole her father stared out of the window in worry, wondering if she'd ever come back. She wasn't that little girl who stood by as her family fought against the nasty little beasts that lurk in the dark, waiting to strike when the time was right. She was Thaddea no-retreat of MacLeod, Proudly born and raised atop the Highlands, in the Third Pocket of the Free State, Daughter of Mary the Heart-Eater and Malcolm the Mellow, granddaughter of Deirdre the Deathbringer, great-granddaughter of Eileen Never-Surrender, great-great granddaughter of Ailsa the Tetchy, great-great-great granddaughter of Betty One-Kick, and a strong young lass in the making. She knows no weakness. She shows no weakness. There is no room for the faint of heart in this world.

...and that's what she kept telling herself while she stood in front of the giant door in front of proudfoot house, shivering in the cool breeze, wearing nothing but pyjamas in the crisp air of approaching spring. She looked around to see 8 other people in varying states of enthusiasm, all of them lethargic and a bit grumpy being woken up at this godforsaken time of the day.

_"Brothers and sisters, loyal for life  
Tethered for always, true as a knife  
Nine above others, nine above blood  
Bonded forever through fire and flood  
Brothers and sisters, faithful and true  
Ever together, the special and few"_

This is what she signed up for. This what she knew she'd get. She wanted recognition. She wanted praise. She wasn't just a plain girl from the highlands. Not just another mouth to feed. A productive member of an elite organisation. But why does it feel like she lost somehow?  
_Don't be a brat. There were 500 other people out there and you still managed to be more impressive than those snobs. You can't throw away everything you've worked for because you're acting like a scared little baby._ But what if she wasn't good enough? She never was. There is always something to fix, something to improve, something to overcome. 

Maybe this time, she can prove that she is worthy. 

\-------------------------- 

Thaddea was already failing. She hasn't lost this bad in a very long time. Well, that explains the fact that she lost intentionally, but intention isn't gonna erase the look of pure disappointment on Mr. Browns face, along with the disdainful cries of everyone in the arena. She dodged a couple of tomatoes, eggs, and an entire foot long fresh tuna fish and headed back to the hometrain, fuming. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. She had to throw away her reputation for one of the most dangerous entities in the society, and does Morrigan even care? She could just make people drop dead within a second. Why was she in charge of protecting her when she was more than capable of doing that herself? The fancy arcane students could wave their little wands and everything would come to them just like that. She had to train for _years_ , yet here she was, good for nothing except being a bodyguard. And a very lousy one at that. Was she jealous? Yeah. Maybe. Definitely. 

... _just as important —and some would even argue— twice as powerful..._  
Her father had always told her that people weren't born with greatness, but achieved it. These people were born with fancy knacks in fancy families, being told that they were special, that they were loved, that they would amount to something. They didnt have to be kept behind locked doors, while they paced back and forth, wondering if their mother would come back alive this time. They didnt have to sacrifice gallons of blood, sweat and tears just to be blackmailed by some foul minded idiot senior student into losing to a _wimp_ and losing _everything_ she had ever worked for in her _life_. Every little trace of respect she had toiled to earn had vanished from their minds. She was lesser than a nobody. She was a joke. 

They had _no_ right to tell that she was being dramatic. _Especially_ when they weren't subjected to risk an entire life time's worth of hard work. She would _not_ throw her reputation out of the window because some dingus asked her to when she had done this much and _rightfully_ earned her place in this society.

_Did she though ?_

\------------------------ 

_"I'm a wundersmith!"_

Thaddea was definitely not expecting _that_. 

For a moment, she was burning with rage. Was she an _idiot_? Then she saw the note in her hand, and the faces in the crowd, as they changed their expressions from confusion to mirth to downright _anger_ and fear. People spoke in faint whispers, and the restless crowd began to yell, demanding answers from the elders. She saw morrigan, as she stared out into the crowd with a vacant expression slightly tinged with sadness and... longing? 

She remembers what Cadence had said on the first day in their hometrain "... _just because I'm a mesmerist, they think I'm a criminal_ "

Is that precisely what morrigan had to go through? 

The safeguards finally made sense. Of course the were regarded dangerous. Of _course_ dearborn had stuffed her into a class where she'd spend the rest of the year learning how wretched her kind was, because that's exactly how people were. They feared things that they didnt know, and fear makes way for hatred. She remembered Lam's and Cadence's faced right after they were bought back from the "museum" where they were auctioned, in degrading costumes and haunted looks on their faces. 

Thaddea felt kind of sick. 

Every ounce of jealousy she ever had had suddenly vanished, replaced by an overwhelming case of nausea. To think that she had had envied them (well that was kind of a stretch. She still sorta envied them. It's a habit she can't control.) when they were used as nothing but little tools for the society: utilize their resoresources and then abandoning them, shutting them out of fear until they need them again.  
Some society they were. 

_Brothers and sisters, loyal for life..._

\----------------------- 

Golders night was the most fun she'd had in a while

Sure, she was trudging knee-deep in sewer water, and was stinkier than professor Browns pet skunks bottom, but the way they looked at her once she dealt a heavy blow on that poop riddled noodle beast's face was enough to make even wading through the accumulated excretera of thousands of people somewhat pleasant. 

The squad leader had beckoned them to get out of the sewer and investigate, as they've just detected something moving. Her fists balled and eyes narrowed, thaddea climbed out into the streets to to see a small, dark figure limping towards them. She made her way slowly towards it, to find that it wasnt any beast.  
It was Morrigan 

There were several things that were wrong with how morrigan stood in front of her. Her eyes were unfocused as she swayed lightly in one spot. Thaddea suddenly noted that the reason she was limping was because of her right leg, which looked like it was used as a chewtoy for some particularly vicious dragon. 

What the _hell_ has she gotten into? 

After an unsuccessful attempt of trying to get her to tell them what in the seven heavens had happened to her, she was rushed off to wunsoc's hospital wing. Thaddea followed, and with every step she took her stomach lurched.

_...Tethered for always, true as a knife_

How could she have been so _blind_?  
They were a unit. They were supposed to look out for each other. Of course she let her selfishness get in the way of _actually_ doing something for them, as any unit member should. 

If she couldn't even protect her unit, who was she, really?  
If she couldn't protect her brothers and sisters, did she even deserve to be a part of them? 

How dare she think of resenting them for something they couldn't control, while she hopped about like a toddler, trying to prove herself. 

_You really thought the elders took you in because they saw something in you?_

She couldn't help it. They were all so unique, so powerful in their own way. Lam had saved them quite a few times. Arch was the most talented pickpocket in the state. Hawthorne could ride even the most wildest of dragons. Mahir could swear at Dearborn right in front of her and she wouldnt even know. Francis could whip up the most scrumptious meal within a few minutes. Cadence could put them all under a trance. Morrigan could bring them back from the dead or turn them all into dust. And Anah, sweet, wonderful Anah, always chastising her for being unhygienic, cleaning her wounds up after a nasty fight, listening to her as she gloated about smashing their skulls in— 

"Thaddea" 

She looked up to see Cadence, who was staring at her with an unreadable expression. She looked like she hadn't slept. 

"Yeah?" 

"I heard you were the one who bought Morrigan back." 

"Well not really–" Cadence cut her off before she could explain  
"Dont go blaming this on her. She didn't mean to interrupt your hunt or whatever." 

...Wait  
_What?_

"I'm not–"  
"Yeah yeah, I'll see you tomorrow" with that she left, and the door shut behind her. 

Was this really what they all thought? 

Now look, Thaddea agreed that she wasn't the most graceful person, especially when it came to feelings, but her encounter with Cadence stung. The thought of finding Morrigan responsible was, frankly kind of laughable. 

Did they really not trust her that much? 

She supposed it served her right. Maybe all that she's good for is being a good for nothing nobody. 

She buried her face in her hands, and was horrified to find it wet. _Oh look! Now you're crying. You really are a pathetic, useless little girl. Who's gonna wipe your tears now? Don’t pretend that you didnt get what you deserve._

Maybe she did.

Thaddea drifted off into an uneasy slumber. She woke up to someone tapping on her shoulder impatiently and calling her name.  
"Thaddea, Thadea _Thaddea_ –" 

"Wha-"  
She looked up up to see Anahs face peering at her with concern. 

" _What are you doing here_ "  
"Waiting for Morrigan" 

Anah sighed. "Don't be an idiot. She wont be let out for a few days. You're gonna break hour back if you continue sitting on that chair" 

"But I-"  
"Bed. Now." Anah shot her down with her best doctor-in-training glare. The one that says " _if you do not listen to me Thaddea MacLeod lord help me I will steal your kidneys at midnight._ " Thaddea had no choice but to obey. 

She made her way back home, her stomach sinking with every step.

\----------------------------‐--------- 

In hindsight, exploring a collapsing cave was _not_ a good idea.

Even the most moronic pig headed idiot would think twice before exploring Nevermoor's dangerous natural vegetation and relief with a bunch of junior scholars, but professor Dunderhead here did not seem to think that through (or care, for that matter). He had left them in a cave that was on the verge of falling down to collect samples, despite protests from Anah and Mahir, and went on to get his kit.

And now they were miles and miles away from the entrance, in bitch black darkness, just in time for a cave-in. 

Oh goodie.

Morrigan, bless her, had used her wundersmith-y powers to create a source of light, which didn't change the fact that they were beginning to get increasingly frustrated. 

"Which way did we come from again?"  
"I dunno"  
" _Oh for crying out loud-_ " 

There was a faint sound of rumbling, and all the scholars of unit 919 huddled together like a pack of sardines. 

"There it is! There's the entrance!" 

"Stop."  
Everyone turned to look at Lam. Thaddea agreed with her. The distinct sound of rumbling was getting louder and louder. 

"We should listen to Lam." She piped up. "I think the cave is going to collapse. _Everyone stay quiet_." 

"Hawthorne and anah, you go first. Mahir and cadence can go second. Then Francis and Arch, and after those two Morrigan and Lam can follow. 

"What about you?" Anah turned to her with... worry? 

Thaddea stared at the roof of the cave as it began to shake. "I'll follow behind." 

... _Nine above others, Nine above blood_

\---------------------- 

Excavation duty was stressful. After the first two groups had gotten out of the cave, they had to spend 10 minutes trying to convince francis to to join them, which is easier said than done.

In the end, Cadence threatened to use her mesmerism on him, which worked surprisingly well.

Next up was morrigan and Lam. Lam had made it across quite easily, but as soon as she stepped out, the ceiling had begun to shake, this time, scattering pebbles on the floor as they dropped from the roof. 

This was bad.

" _Hurry up Morrigan!_ " yelled hawthorne, from the other side of the cave. 

Now this command had resulted in a cacophony of catastrophic events, all of which Thaddea could see unfurl in slow motion. 

The roof had given away right above morrigan, and she had frozen up in the spot. 

There was no way she would make it out.

... _Bonded forever through fire and flood_

_"Move!"_  
Thaddeas mind was blank as she let her legs carry her towards her fellow unit member. She couldn't see. All she saw was her grandmother Deirdre, the pained smile she had given her, before she was killed by rampant trolls while Thaddea had done nothing but whimper behind a rock. 

_...Brothers and sisters, loyal and true_

(She could hear Hawthorne's laugh as Mahir taught him the foulest words in draconian, Arch sighing in defeat and Cadence rolling her eyes. She could hear Lam's little chuckles, Morrigan coming back again after getting in some sort of trouble with her head hung but her eyes sparkling with mischief...  
She could see Anah, pouting at her stinky gear, her snorting at the state of her hair after the fight she had with the kelpie, the way her eyes lit up when she did the things she loved...  
All the people she couldn’t protect. Until now.) 

...She knocked morrigan out of the way with all the strength she could muster. Morrigan went flying backwards and landed at the feet of the cave, and the whole situation would have been hilarious, if it weren't for the giant boulder that was coming to crash her 

_...Ever together, the special and the few_

She never truly belonged in the society. She didnt deserve the perks that wunsoc had bestowed upon her, after being so selfish. She wasn't special. She wasn't great. She wasnt strong. She would never be good enough. (Not for anyone, not for Anah) 

Thaddea could only smile ruefully for a split second until she was engulfed by darkness

The last thing she heard were screams of her name, echoing in the distance.

\-----------------  
Thaddea woke up to a steady electronic beeping and the sound of shuffling feet.

She tried to open her eyes, but it was too bright. She groaned as she blinked out tears because of the harsh sunlight.  
“ _THADDEA!_

She opened her eyes yet again, to see Anah's face hovering over her, worry etched onto her face. She looked like she hadn’t slept for days.  
Ah 

“....sup?” 

“you manage to almost kill yourself and knock yourself out for a _week_ , and the _first thing you tell me is ‘sup'?_ ” 

To say that Anah wasn’t in a good mood would be an understatement. She was _fuming_. Her cheeks were bright red with anger and were those... dried up tear tracks?  
Thaddea thought she looked kinda cute. (Well she always does, but now more than ever). 

That did not, however, stop her from tearing into Thaddea like an autopsy student in a morgue. 

“-BEEN SO STUPID! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH YOU IDIOT? DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING DEATH WISH-"  
“ _LANGUAGE!_ ” shouted nurse Tim, looking scandalized. 

Anah pretended to not hear that. Thaddea was slightly terrified. No one walks away unscathed after ignoring nurse Tim. 

“Look Anah I’m fine now-"  
“YOU’RE NOT! YOUR SPINE AND RIBS ARE NOTHING BUT DUST AND IT WOULD TAKE AT LEAST A _MONTH_ OF PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR YOU TO MOVE AGAIN AND DONT GET ME 

_“OKAY_ , okay, calm down-" 

_“I AM CALM!!”_

Thaddea saw nurse Tim slowly backing out of the room, giving her an apologetic look. Traitor. 

Wait a minute-  
“what happened to the rest of them? Where’s Morrigan?” Thaddea tried to sit up but her body felt like dead weight, not even budging an inch. 

“ _Don’t you dare try and move._ And everyone else is fine, they’ve been hovering around here for so long that nurse Tim threatened to ban them if they didn’t leave.” 

“huh”  
\--------------------- 

“Why’d you do it?”  
Anah was looking at Thaddea with an unreadable expression. Thaddea tried her best to avoid her eyes 

“I dunno”  
_Don’t lie to me_ ” Anah pulled Thaddeas face close to hers.  
“ _I said I dont know alright!_ ” Thaddea pulled away, her hands crossed as she remained defensive.  
“Bull _shit_ ” Anah snarled. “We both know theres a reason why you jumped in for Morrigan, and you’re gonna spill"  
“Oh so suddenly I’m incapable of being a decent unit member? Tell me, oh dear _saintly_ Anah, what did I do wrong? Was I too selfless for your liking?”  
Anah slammed her hands on the table. “Don’t you dare act like there’s nothing wrong miss, you know that morrigan could easily obliterate those rocks if she wished to.” 

“WELL MAYBE I’M STUPID! MAYBE I DONT DESERVE TO BE HERE! NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AS BRIGHT AS YOU, _ANAH KAHLO_!” 

Anah looked at her, all past anger dissipating from her face, leaving nothing but guilt . But before she could open her mouth, 7 people had burst in through the door, and at the head stood Cadence, who looked at her as if she was seeing her for the first time 

“What do you mean, ‘don’t deserve to be here'?"  
“Cadence-" Morrigan began to chastise, but Cadence held up a finger, beckoning her to be silent. 

“You really think you don’t belong here with us? You think that any other kid could beat the pulp out of that troll during the show trial?”  
“No one else could volunteer to take care of the sewer beast" Arch said, stepping towards her. “that was a pretty daring thing to do"  
“Oh and no one else helps me handle the rogue dragons like you do" hawthorne chimed in.  
“And remember the time you helped me carry all those books even though you knew you were going to be late for roller derby?”Mahir said, joining in.  
“Yeah but-"  
“And the time you beat those scholars up because they were going to pull a dirty prank on me" Lam spoke up. 

And so did arch, about the time he needed a distraction and how she did it spectacularly. And Francis too, about the time she’d helped transport that ginormous cake of his without damaging 

“You saved me.” Morrigan said, quietly. “You shouldn’t have but you still _did._ ” 

And that’s when it hit her. All this time she had thought that she had to prove herself, to go to great lengths to show what she was capable of to her family, to wunsoc, to her unit, while they’ve already accepted her for who she was. She didn’t have to prove her worth. She was accepted. She was loved. She was good enough. 

“You drive me crazy, Thaddea MacLeod. You make me want to hit my head with a shovel a million times” Anah said, wiping her tears “but I think I’m in love with you." 

Mahir coughed in the distance. Arch averted his eyes awkwardly. Cadence and Morrigan pretended like they didn’t hear that. Lam stared into the distance. Hawthorne started to clap and cheer, and Francis reluctantly joined. Thaddea thought that Cadence said something that sounded suspiciously like “ _finally_ " 

Thaddea took her hand and grinned like an oaf. 

“Well guess what ninny, I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> 1) if there are typos, I apologize  
> 2) I made headcannons about Thaddea's family. I think her mom was more into the hunting and killing biz more than her dad was as he was nicknamed mellow lmaoo
> 
> 3) I may or may not do a part 2 from anahs perspective


End file.
